like looking up and getting dizzy

© ann marie/ 2013

© ann marie/ 2013

The passage of time is sometimes like looking up and getting dizzy. You know you are standing upright, feet firmly on the ground, but as you gaze upwards the world around you begins to swirl slowly, your senses becoming blurred. 

We are sometimes knocked off track, distracted from the life we are meant to live. Days pass, fading into weeks and months and we are left to stomach the truth that we've been sitting on the bench instead of playing in the game. Watching as others make strides that we thought we'd be making. Wishing for second chances at missed opportunities and hoping for do-overs. 

What would it be like if we had no concept of time? No understanding of hours. Would we be freer to pursue that which we seek, having no sense of loss of time? 

With each passing year, I become more and more aware of how much time I've been alive, and more and more suspect of the time I may still have ahead of me. We refer to a personal act of bad behavior when we remark, "I've been wasting time."  Time is only wasted if we feel it so. 

Let go the notion of wasted time.

At the mere mention of the word "meditate" my mind begins to run amok, but I keep trying this practice of being calm, resting in peaceful thoughtless bliss. About half the time I meditate, I'm successful. The other half I'm a miserable failure if you consider the the goal. My meditating thoughts are sometimes like a laser light show- bright, pulsing, fast and all over the place. If meditating is meant to bring about profound realizations however, I'd say I found the golden ticket. I laid down my weapons of self-deprecation and allowed my mind to dream, plan, envision, puzzle, explore. To anticipate my future, my desires, my goals and to contemplate my purpose. 

We should all stop feeling as though we are wasting time when our thoughts and actions lead to a better us. If this means we stop creating for a while because our hearts just aren't in it, fine. If this means that we spend time sitting mindlessly in front of the TV because we are weary from life's traumas, more power to us. If we decide to take our vacation day and do nothing with it other than sit in quiet reflection, have we wasted time?

How we spend our time is our choice, and I hope that we all learn how to walk beside time, instead of chasing after it.

I've been taking a long break from creating, from writing here on my blog. Some days I get anxious about the time that I'm allowing to pass without making headway on my goals. But for my mental health, I've had to use time to heal, to rest. I've been choosing to take time to just be, with no tangible outcome. 

I've been feeling dizzy lately by the passage of time. find your peace.





"It's just a rental", I kept telling myself over and over again as I finished up the cleaning. Why was I being so silly sad about leaving this place I called home for one short year? Why was I so reluctant to walk away? There is nothing terribly special about the town home I rented my first year in Boulder.

Yet, there was something special about it.

It was my home. My safe place and escape. The place I could go to and know I wouldn't have to face anyone but my devoted dog on those hard first weeks after packing up and moving across the country. After leaving behind everything I'd known and come to take comfort in the last 15 years of my life. 

Simple construction, cheap fixtures and finishes, small damages left from previous residents. None of it really mattered to me, as I desperately needed a place to start a new life.  At first it felt a bit small and inadequate after having lived in more than twice the space for the past several years, but in short time the space began to feel just right. 

When I was making my plans to move to Boulder, looking at possible places to live, my therapist talked to me about making sure I chose a place that wasn't too big, that felt safe, and that when I walked through the door, I was happy to be there. In the end, this simple townhouse fit all those criteria. 

I think the lesson learned here, is home really is where the heart lives.

Where we choose to make our home matters less than our attitude towards the space. We may always aspire to something bigger, something more grand in style and construction, but when we are grateful for the space we have, look upon it as more than just shelter, we can truly make it home

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